Michael Jackson, Fergie, Jon Bon Jovi, and Axl Rose are all responsible for some of the toughest karaoke tracks on the books. (Photos by Bauer Griffin | Pacific Coast News | Getty Images)Planning to rock the mic at your local mall or dive bar? Excellent! Karaoke is a blast — a time to go out with friends, work up some courage, and pretend you're the next American Idol. But winning over the crowd is a tricky business, and song selection can make the difference between being applauded and being ignored. Tiffany Crittendon, a bartender at San Francisco's most popular karaoke spot, The Mint, helped us categorize the most dangerous (and often the most tempting) song types in the KJ's catalog.
1. The Songs that Never End
The point of karaoke is to sing and to hopefully keep people entertained. The last thing you want to do is find yourself on stage for upwards of five minutes fumbling around during a lyric-less bridge. As Crittendon told us, "[Don't pick] anything with long instrumental breaks, like old rock songs. You don't realize there's a three-minute guitar solo in the middle of the song. Everyone starts chanting 'air guitar, air guitar' and you can't do it. It's embarrassing." That rules out a couple obvious choices:
"Thriller" — Michael Jackson
It's Michael Jackson! Everyone loves Michael Jackson, right? It's classic, you can dance to it — seems like the perfect fit for karaoke, which is why it's a popular choice. But think back to that awesome video from the '80s, you know, that 13 MINUTE video. Unless you have the dance number memorized, it's best to leave "Thriller" on the shelf.
"November Rain" — Guns N' RosesReaching back into the glory days of G n' R sounds like a good idea at first, and "November Rain" seems like the right kind of crowd pleaser — not too heavy, not too soft a ballad, and you get to do your best
Axl Rose impression. But before you pull its call number out of the binder, remember: 1) Slash has a couple of very long solos, 2) the track is nine minutes long, and 3) at the seven-minute mark, the song cuts to silence signaling a faux ending, which always results in that awkward early applause that's cut short when Slash comes back in. (FYI, the same goes for "
Paradise City.")
2. The Songs You Just Don't Have the Voice ForThe beauty of karaoke is that you don't have to be a good singer to have a good time. That said, there are certain songs so defined by the out-of-this-world vocals of the original performers that even a room full of people bonded by a love of amateur singing can't help but cringe when someone attempts them. As our Mint friend advised, "Always avoid any big performance songs, like
Whitney Houston and
Celine Dion." Funny enough, each of those ladies have a song in the
U.S. Karaoke Alliance's list of most popular karaoke songs of all time.
"I Will Always Love You" — Whitney HoustonIf you've ever watched
American Idol or
The Voice, you've probably noticed the way the judges recoil whenever a contestant announces he/she plans on performing "I Will Always Love You." It's because there's no topping the range of Whitney Houston. Everyone's memory of that song is so firmly rooted in the sheer power of Houston's voice, even a karaoke audience is unforgiving when it can't be matched. It's practically sacrilege. So unless you're
this girl, don't even think about it.
"My Heart Will Go On" — Celine DionWhat is true for Houston is true for Dion. No matter how great you think you sound when you're belting it out in the shower, chances are you're less like that tiny Canadian powerhouse and more like these brave souls who were courageous (or just cour-azy) enough to put their versions on YouTube.
3. Overly Suggestive SongsWhile a few seedy establishments might argue otherwise, a karaoke bar is not the appropriate setting for a burlesque performance. Songs that are heavy on sexual metaphor are fine selections, provided you "don't go overboard."
"My Humps" — Black Eyed PeasDon't consider this BEP song a directive. The crowd can do without pelvic thrusts against the mic stand, and the caressing of one's "lovely lady lumps" for emphasis. The trick to a song all about the female anatomy is to treat it with a sense of humor. And remember, less is more. Put simply, "You want people to laugh with you, not at you."
"I Touch Myself" — DivinylsThe subject of "I Touch Myself" is obvious. It's best not to paint a picture by delivering an interpretive dance that reflects the title. The audience is likely to turn on any performer who takes this Divinyls hit too seriously, so keep it light, and get a few laughs.
4. Novelty SongsIt's pretty hard to be funny by making a joke out of a joke. Which is why if you're going to perform a novelty song, it's better to do so in earnest. While suggestive songs require a bit of levity, the tracks that are already tongue-in-cheek demand some sincerity.
"Baby Got Back" — Sir Mix-a-Lot"Baby Got Back" is about butts, we get it. It's also a huge nostalgia trip for anyone who remembers the video airing on
Yo! MTV Raps. It's best to think of this song as your friend, not your enemy. Embrace it in a way that gets the crowd involved. The concept of tossing back a few cocktails and rapping about ladies' backsides in a room full of strangers is silly enough on it's own. So give "Baby Got Back" the respect it deserves.
"Ice Ice Baby" — Vanilla IceThe ironic approach dies hard in a karaoke bar, so doing a wink-wink at how silly
Vanilla Ice was back in the day will likely fall flat. As our Mint source put it, "it's been done." But when someone genuinely loves "Ice Ice Baby," and knows the lyrics inside and out, the crowd will love it, too. If you go that route, you definitely have a better chance of getting the audience to stop, collaborate, and listen.
5. The End-of-Night SongsWith karaoke, there is such thing as a "closer" — a song that is reserved for that late-night send off when everyone is a few drinks deep and ready to scream along to every word. Don't waste these quintessential karaoke anthems early in the evening. To do the classics justice, save them for right around last call.
"Don't Stop Believin'" — JourneyYou'd be hard-pressed to spend a night at any karaoke bar and not hear "Don't Stop Believin'." (There's even a
karaoke biography named after the song.) As we learned from our connection at The Mint, "Believin'" is considered "sacred" by many in the hardcore karaoke community, so much so that there's an unspoken rule that you don't sing the Journey hit before midnight. Like the song itself, a night of karaoke is a building process. No one likes a premature climax.
"Livin' on a Prayer" — Bon JoviYes, the '80s gave us regrettable things like acid washed jeans, bad hair, and David Hasselhoff, but they also delivered some of the best karaoke jams to ever be butchered by barflies around the globe. Like "Believin,'" Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" is a bring-the-house-down kind of song, so make sure the metaphorical house is ready to fall when you throw on the Jov.
6. Way Too Fast SongsLet's not forget that, at its core, karaoke is reading aloud lyrics off a TV screen. Unless you're a speed-reader, it's best to go with songs that keep a moderate pace, lest you fall victim to a series of slurs and mumbles, especially if you're inclined to knock back a few cocktails.
"It's the End of the World as We Know It" — REM"We Didn't Start the Fire" — Billy JoelDon't let those catchy sing-along choruses fool you, these songs are packed with rapid fire phrases that will leave you tongue-tied. Anyone who's seen
Tommy Boy knows that.
